I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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