Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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