Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize