the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
