when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
