Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
