my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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