I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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