Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Houston, we have a blender
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize