we have pet lesbian snakes
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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