So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
