I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
