Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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