did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
