Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize