college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
