pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
