i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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