she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
