We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You were trust falling into bushes
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize