There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
