Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The Olympian is in my bed
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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