My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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