apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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