The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
