To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
you made out with another girl for some wings
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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