Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
