He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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