Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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