Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
