i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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