If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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