Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
