You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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