to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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