im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
