It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
