So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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