i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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