We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
