nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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