Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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