a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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