You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
