I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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