I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
