saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
