you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
