I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
