Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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