Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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