I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
