GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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