We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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