Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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