Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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