She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
