Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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