I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
