Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
