I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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