Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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