Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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